I Am with You Always: Experiencing God in Times of Need (Paperback)

Chapter One

Some moments in our lives remain forever fresh. Like a scene from a movie embedded in our soul, we can recall with uncanny clarity every nuance of certain events that occurred years, even decades ago. The story I share here is one of those-an unforgettable, dramatic moment in my life when the world seemed very unfair. That moment left me so devastated, I was ready to forsake my relationship with God and quit the Christian life. But God met me in that time of need like never before.

I was twenty-one years old and had recently made the most difficult decision of my life. After months of struggle, I willfully chose to allow Christ to be the Lord of my life. It meant breaking off a relationship with a girl I loved deeply and had assumed would one day be my wife. We had dated for over two years and had done all the things you do when it's serious. I had visited her family on several occasions, and she had visited mine. We were both believers. We both loved God and loved each other more than anything or anyone we had ever known.

She was beautiful. We connected. We became great friends. She was all I ever dreamed a wife would be. But the more we talked about our life together, the clearer it became that an immovable object blocked our way. The dream in her heart pictured us living in a nice home with a white picket fence across the street from her mom and dad. She was an only child and was very close to her parents. She had a deep sense of responsibility toward them, and they were reaching their twilight years. I knew deep in my heart, even then, that God wanted to use my life in a way that would mean going wherever he called me, whenever he called. As much as I loved her, I knew marrying her was not God's will for me. The decision to break off our relationship in deference to the will of God was the greatest sacrifice I had ever been asked to make.

Even though I knew our breakup was right, it was excruciatingly painful. In my mind the choice was clear, but my emotions refused to catch up with the rest of me. After we broke up, I was a basket case for the better part of a year. I cried out for God to change her heart. I vividly recall sitting on a hill across from her dorm and begging God to let it work out for us to be together. I didn't date anyone else; I didn't want to. I secretly prayed and fasted, hoping that God was simply testing my loyalty. I trusted that just as God had given Abraham back his son Isaac, after he had been willing to sacrifice him, so God would give her back to me. Surely God would reward my faithfulness, I reasoned. Instead, God did the unthinkable.

The Raw Deal

It was late and I was tired. I played basketball on my college team, and a humiliating home game had just ended. I was emotionally down, physically fatigued, and spiritually frustrated as I trudged up two flights of stairs from the locker room to the exit. With my hair still wet and my jacket over my shoulder, I looked up to see a sight I hadn't seen in months. Standing at the top of the stairs was my former girlfriend. She was waiting in our spot, next to the railing where she always used to meet me after home games. I could hardly believe my eyes! Instantly I thought, "God has answered my prayers! She is standing there waiting for me, just like the good old days." As the adrenaline and joy surged through me, I started making plans. We'd go get a bite to eat, and she'd tell me how God had changed her mind about our future.

As the distance between us shortened and my eyes met hers, I sensed something was different. There was no warm smile, no step toward me, no arm around my waist-only an uncomfortable, "Hi, Chip." Before I could fully grasp what was happening, another player on our team bounced up the stairs, brushed past me, and grabbed her hand. The cold air rushed through the open doors and rolled over my wet hair and numb mind. I watched in stony silence as she put her arm in his, and they walked across campus into the night. Then it hit me. She wasn't waiting for me. She was waiting for someone else. As the glass doors slowly closed behind them, I felt frozen in time.

A wave of anger swelled up from within the depths of my soul. The emotions shot through me, like pin balls bouncing indiscriminately off every object in sight. But they soon found their target. How could God let this happen to me after the great sacrifice I'd made for him? And of all the players on the team, how could God let her get hooked up with him? I knew what this guy was like. I knew his intentions with girls because of how he bragged about all his former conquests. And God had just let him walk out the door with the girl I loved?

I was livid. Worst of all, I felt betrayed. As I stood motionless in that doorway, I had a mental conversation with God: "Let's go over this one more time, God. I broke up with the beautiful girl I love, the girl I want to marry because of my commitment to you; and that snake is with her right now! You took her away from me and let her go off with him? Our relationship was the best thing you ever gave me, but I can't have it? Instead, he gets to be with her? And where is her mind? What is she doing? I don't get it!"

As I walked across campus, my fierce anger at God hardened into an attitude. I wondered whether this God I had come to know was worthy of my trust. I was seriously questioning if I wanted to continue in a relationship with a God who rewarded sacrifice and commitment with injustice and pain. This was a raw deal if ever there was one. It wasn't just about losing a girlfriend or going through the normal ups and downs of relationships in one's twenties, it was about the character of God, and whether he was trustworthy. This was personal, not just between her and me but between God and me.

I remember mumbling to myself as I made that long, lonely walk to my dorm room. "I feel like an animal. I feel like a beast. I am so angry! Why do bad people do so well? Why do people who don't walk with God get all the good stuff? And why-instead of getting good when I try to do good-why do I get what's lousy? Why is life so unfair? This stinks. God, why did you let it happen?"

Have You Ever Felt That Way?

Maybe you know exactly the kind of emotions and thoughts I'm talking about because you've had your share of them. Maybe you've experienced the pain of your mate walking out on you or the betrayal of a business partner. Perhaps you know the gnawing injustice of giving the best years of your life to your kids only to see them walk out of your life, indifferent and ungrateful for all you have done for them. Or, after you've sacrificed endless hours and significant amounts of money to care for your parents, you've felt the shock and bewilderment at being cut out of your inheritance. Perhaps you know what it's like to work harder, better, and longer in your job and then watch others get promoted because they know the boss or played the game of office politics. Maybe you, like I, have struggled to explain to your Little League son or daughter why he or she sits on the bench even though he or she is twice as good as the coach's child, who gets to play more innings. When we get a raw deal, we tend to get emotionally upset. That's where I was that night.

Okay, God, Speak to Me, Or I'm Outta Here

When I returned to my dorm room that night, I picked up my Bible and gave God an ultimatum. I had learned how to listen for God's voice as I read the Word. So I opened my Bible. I had been working my way through the Psalms. I planned to give God three, maybe four chapters. If he didn't speak to me in a way that helped me make sense of this raw deal that I'd just been handed, I was going to quit the Christian life.

To my way of thinking, God wasn't keeping up his end of the relationship. It seemed the more I committed myself to God and the more I sacrificed, the more I felt like a fool each time I got a raw deal. Tonight had been the worst. If that was the way the Christian life was going to be, then it didn't seem worth it. I couldn't-wouldn't-worship a God like that.

I didn't grow up reading the Bible, so this was not an old habit. In fact, I didn't actually open it for the first time until I was eighteen. Yet even as a new Christian, God had spoken clearly and powerfully to me through his Word. At this point, however, I wasn't even sure if God would want to meet me in its pages-especially when I was raging at him.

How would God treat me when every fiber of my being was screaming, "God, this isn't fair"? I wasn't sure I cared. I picked up where I had left off and read the next psalm. Nothing happened. The words marched through my mind, going somewhere else. I read another psalm-nothing but empty silence. No verse jumped off the page. I began to suspect that my fears about God might prove true.

I glanced down the page to Psalm 73, and I immediately sensed something different. In the next few minutes, I had an encounter with God that has forever marked my life. He spoke to me in a way that I had never experienced before. I had no idea that the God of the universe would actually interact with a mere human in such a personal and powerful way.

I sat on my bed, tears still in my eyes, anger filling my heart, confusion clouding my soul, but as I read the psalm aloud, pausing between verses, the Spirit of God brought thoughts and pictures to my mind. It was as if I had a VCR in my head and it had just shifted from pause to play. God showed me scenes from earlier in the night and replayed the exact words I had said out loud while walking across campus. I read statements in the Scriptures almost identical to the ones I had made.

I don't want to make this sound too mystical, but God spoke to me so personally that I knew I was encountering the living God. I don't pretend that God speaks to me with such vividness on a regular basis, but I don't dare minimize this powerful event either.

PSALM 73

The following is a rendition of what occurred in my mind and heart that night as I read Psalm 73. I've placed the biblical phrases in shaded boxes, and the comments, thoughts, and pictures that came to my mind underneath them. In this way I hope you will catch a glimpse of what occurred.

Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. verse 1

Yeah, that's what I used to believe too.

But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold. For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. verses 2-3

Wow! This guy has my problem! That's exactly what just happened to me.

They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. They are free from the burdens common to man; they are not plagued by human ills. verses 4-5

I nodded in agreement.

Therefore pride is their necklace; they clothe themselves with violence. From their callous hearts comes iniquity; the evil conceits of their minds know no limits. verses 6-7

I thought of specific conversations I had previously had with the fellow teammate who walked off with my former girlfriend. These words described him all too well.

They scoff. verse 8a

That summed it up, especially with that particular player. I recalled a road trip we had been on a few weeks earlier; he had scoffed and ridiculed my faith in front of other players in a hotel room.

They scoff, and speak with malice; in their arrogance they threaten oppression. Their mouths lay claim to heaven, and their tongues take possession of the earth. verses 8-9

It's like that! It seems like the wicked are in control and are winning.

Therefore their people turn to them and drink up waters in abundance. verse 10

The evildoers-the folks who mock God-they've got it made!

They say, "How can God know? Does the Most High have knowledge?" verse 11

During conversations in the locker room, this player had said, "Oh, come on, Ingram. Get off the God stuff. You don't really believe God is in control, do you? C'mon man, you know it's all chance. Get a life. C'mon and party with us, holy man. Life is short." Reading Psalm 73 was like reading my biography!

This is what the wicked are like- always carefree, they increase in wealth.

Surely in vain have I kept myself pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence. All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning. verses 12-14

That was exactly it! My efforts to follow Jesus and live the way he wanted me to live were surely in vain. I had dated the best girl on campus. I had made a commitment before God to run our relationship his way and remain sexually pure. With that commitment came nothing but ridicule and snickers from my peers. All the other guys were out there having fun (there were four girls to every guy on our campus).

I was tied up in knots because I was trying to do what God says is right. I had more problems and frustrations as a Christian than I could ever remember having before I committed my life to Christ! But now it seemed all I had were struggles and problems. And worst of all, the greatest relationship I ever had was gone because I was following Christ. I had chosen to obey God's will for my life and in exchange had been given a raw deal!

If I had said, "I will speak thus," I would have betrayed your children. When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me. verses 15-16

I could hardly believe another human being actually had these same thoughts. Some of the same phrases I used were right here on the page! It was almost scary! I felt goose bumps on the back of my neck as I read the line, "If I had said, 'I will speak thus,'" because it had crossed my mind what might happen if I had really told anyone the things I had muttered to myself. What if I had said that I was quitting the faith? How would that impact the six guys who were in my Bible study? I met with each of them weekly. I had the privilege of leading five of them to Christ, and they were beginning to really grow in their faith.

Continues...

Continues...