Come Clean: Fight the Sexual Battle, Protect Your Future, Demand What You Deserve by Herman, Doug (Author)

Chapter 1 Chapter One

bombarded by it

Sex Affects ... and the Effects of Sex

Picture this

You're driving down the highway, talking on your cell, flipping the radio station, and scratching your nose, when you glance up at the road and your eyes meet ... skin. A billboard with an ad for suntan oil that's advertising something besides oil.

Or maybe you're doing your algebra homework in front of the TV on any given night, when your attention is distracted from x +y =z by that couple who finally got together and are now rolling around on top of the sheets. So much for algebra.

Or maybe the guy or girl you're dating is heading toward third base (sexually speaking) but you're not sure you're ready to leave the batter's box. Do you step up to the plate and bunt so at least you don't strike out?

There's a whole lotta sex out there, and it seems people everywhere are doing it.

Have you ever spent time thinking about what you believe when it comes to sex? You know, things like how far you'd go on a first date and whether it bothers you that most TV shows keep pushing the limits: he slept with her who slept with his roommate last night but not the night before because he was with her best friend but she'd like to get something going with his brother who's already thinking the same thing. Do they ever get any sleep?

Don't get me wrong. Sex is amazing. It would have to be to have the moneymaking power and influence that it has in our world.

But does this idea of right and wrong have anything to do with it? Is there harm in enjoying several partners, playing the field to satisfy the natural sex drive that's just part of being human?

Bluntly, yes. There is.

If you feel like tossing this book across the room, please read some more.

The Ripple Effect Remember good old Isaac Newton and the law of gravity he discovered when an apple fell on his head? Well, his third law of motion states that "for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." Isaac was a smart guy. Every choice we make does create a reaction or consequence. It's crazy to think we can do something and have zero consequences. Just like throwing a rock into a pond creates a ripple effect, so does every choice you make-including whether or not to have sex when you're single.

Did you get that? Where'd that standard come from, and who says it's right?

Actually, I wasn't the one who came up with the idea that sex belongs only in marriage. That standard comes straight from the top-from God himself. We'll talk about that in the next chapter.

For now, let's agree on a definition.

What is sex? You may be thinking, Wow, this guy's really getting back to basics. Well, I'd just like to clear up something.

Some people believe that having sex means only sexual intercourse. Your peers might not consider oral and anal sex, fondling, or mutual masturbation to be sex. But here's the truth: High-risk sexual activity for two unmarried people is ANY genital contact of any kind. Even with a condom, any genital activity is a risk. (To find out more on why, see chapters 6 and 7.) And with any risky action, there will be an equal and opposite reaction.

Let's get it straight, right off the bat.

Sex does not equal love. But people have fallen for that lie for-well, forever. And generations have dealt with the consequences-unnecessary pain, guilt, and regret, as well as diseases, unplanned pregnancies, missed dreams, and family meltdowns.

It may seem hard to believe that sex can lead to all those consequences. After all, how can something that's supposed to be so fun be bad?

I'm not saying sex is bad. Not by a long shot. Take a look at the picture on the cover. Those people are actually a married couple. See, it's not that God forbids us to hold someone close and intimate like that. The point is that sex outside of marriage never brings good results.

I'd like to introduce to you a young woman I'll call Kari. She wrote me this letter after I spoke in her school in Nebraska. As you read it, maybe you'll recognize part of a friend's story-or maybe your own.

When I was 11, I started middle school. Around homecoming, I started seeing this high school senior who was nice to me. We spent almost every day together for two months, then broke up because he was going off to college. We only had sex once, but I live with the guilt every day. I had promised myself I wasn't going to do that until I found someone worth it.

So for over a year I didn't have sex with anyone. I was so proud of myself. Then an old boyfriend came back into my life.

He said just being around me made him want to be better. I told him right away that I did have feelings for him but if anything happened, we would take it SLOW. Well, things went great for a while, but then we had sex. I think I did it for fear of losing someone who actually liked me. I've promised myself to "stay single." But once you've had sex, it's just so hard.

Doug, I'll never forget what you said: "If you've done an adult activity-had sex-then do another adult activity: get tested for STDs. It's called responsibility." I was scared-what would my parents say?

You said that you were here for the people in the room who have had sex already, and that we can start over. Thank you for not thinking of non-virgin teens as losers. Right then and there I decided I could do it-make a choice to not have sex and stick to it.

Then I went home and took a shower. I found a bump "down there." I didn't know what to think ... could it be an ingrown hair from shaving-or something else? My last boyfriend had been around. And while we did use a condom, I know they're not foolproof. Well, I just started to cry. My mind jumped to the worst possibilities.

I really needed to talk to someone. I knew my friends wouldn't understand and would gossip about me. My brother would think I was joking. My dad would kill me. So I decided my mom was the best choice-even though I hate disappointing her.

So I asked her, no matter what, not to hate me. I came clean with her-and it felt good. We discussed things we've never talked about before. She didn't yell or run off. She actually sat there and talked to me.

And together we made the doctor appointment. I'm going tomorrow. I'm really scared, but my mom is going with me.

Kari's world has been rocked. Sex wasn't glue that held her relationship together. It didn't keep her boyfriend from leaving her to go to college. It didn't create commitment or undying love.

Instead, sex with a guy she wasn't married to left Kari dealing with guilt every time she opens her eyes in the morning. Not only that, Kari has to worry about disappointing her parents and getting sexually transmitted diseases.

But what about romance and affection?

Everybody needs some of that in a relationship, right? But here's the catch-true romance isn't selfish. True romance is about the other person. If the only reason your date holds your hand or rubs your back is because he's hoping to score later, he is being selfish. Romance isn't the same thing as sex. It isn't something you do in order to get sex. It's about sharing each other's heart and soul.

The Soul The soul is the deepest part of a person-the part that makes you you . Your identity, your hopes and dreams, your spirituality-the deep-down life inside you. It's the part of yourself that you wish people knew, but at the same time you'd be terrified if anyone knew all that's there. Your soul has both emotional and spiritual needs. And if those needs of love and acceptance, of being really known and understood, aren't met, your soul hurts.

In order to have a great dating relationship, both the guy and girl need to have those soul-needs met.

So how does sex before marriage get in the way of that? Look at it this way. Imagine these two balloons are the inner hearts or souls of two people.

When you first meet someone, that very brief encounter makes him or her an acquaintance. Nothing deep or permanent connects you. It's as if a small piece of thread wraps around two balloons. If one of you were to leave forever, the thread would be easily broken. And the loss wouldn't be that great.

But the more the two of you get to know each other, the more pieces of thread begin to tie you together. As your relationship progresses, the thread becomes string.

Each experience with that person is represented by another piece of string. The more time you spend together, the more string bonds your hearts together. And the more shared experiences, the more painful the loss or separation will be. It's like the difference between just anyone in your school moving to another state and your best friend moving to another state. The memories you have together will last a lifetime, even if you're not always together.

If your friend is the opposite sex and the two of you decide to step things up to a romantic level, the bond intensifies. Those strings are now a cable. And this cable begins to bind you all the more tightly.

All Chained Up?

Now let's say you add sex to the relationship. Because the two of you reveal the most private areas of your bodies, allow the other person to touch you there, and then share intercourse, a soul connection occurs. Stronger than a cable, sex is like a chain that fastens two lives in an unforgettable moment that can never be taken back.

At this point, without question, the two of you are bound together. God designed this chain bonding for marriage-a loving, committed relationship. Two people become one, soul-to-soul, body-to-body, for life. But the pain is unbelievable when there's no marriage bond. Breakups hurt even more when sex has been a part of the relationship. Some of you know what I mean. Your heart is wrenched in two.

Each string, cable, and chain wrapped around your heart represents a memory of a shared experience. Those ties can never be removed from your soul. They make up the deepest part of you. Many people try to heal from a breakup by jumping into another relationship. That merely compounds the pain.

TV and movies tend to show only the fun side of sex. But in real life it's impossible to hop into bed for all of the fun and none of the consequences. Each sexual experience creates an intimate bond whether you want it to or not. There's no way around it. Sex affects you deep inside, and its effects are long lasting. It was designed that way. But experiencing sex doesn't mean you've experienced love.

That's what the next chapter is all about.

(Continues...)

Time for a Pure Revolution

(Paperback)

Battlefield of the Mind for Teens:...

(Paperback)

The Case for Christ - Student Edition:...

(Paperback)

A Young Woman's Walk with God

(Paperback)

Chapter One